A Long Day.

Well. Its been a long day. Today I went to a wedding. Today, I went to a wedding for my 85 year old x-neighbor, Ozzie. He's such a nice old man. And the wedding was so cute! I guess it was hard because the whole time I was thinking about the last time that I was in the church for a ceremony. Just so you know, it was Scott's funeral. or that was the last time I can remember (or could think about) and I was thinking about how much I hated having the lights down like they were and how it reminded me of Scott's visitation and how sad it was.

Do you know that when I was sitting (by myself) waiting for it to start, I turned around and for a second I thought I saw him? It was almost like he never died. Like I turned around, thought I saw him and thought, hey there's Scott, I havent seen him in a while, I wonder if he'll come and say hi to me. and then I realized, Shelly! He's gone. He's not going to come back. However much you want him to, and however much you think you need him to be here, he's not coming back.

Its a week away. 1 year ago, 1 week from well...technically today...was the day I got one of the hardest phone calls of my life so far. I know there'll be more hard times. I know. I also know that God wouldnt give me anything more than I could handle. I guess thats something I have to remind myself of during this hard time.

I know that some people think that maybe I'm making this too hard on myself, that I'm making a bigger deal out of it than I should, that maybe I shouldnt be so consumed with the fact that not only my youth minister, but one of my best friends died a year ago. Its hard for me because there are so many times where I wish I could just come home, go over to their house and talk to Scott about things that are happening in my life.

I was just thinking about one of the last times I talked to Scott, I mean really talked to him. I went over to his house to talk to Lys about boys (shocker there huh) and she wasnt home. So I sat and talked to Scott about EVERYTHING that had to do with school (including the boy scoop I was planning on telling Alyssa) I remember what he told me before I left...he looked at me as I was standing in the doorway getting ready to leave and he said to me, 'Shelly, I'm so glad we got to talk. And I hope that everything with school goes great, and I know it will because you can handle it. And with everything else, I just want you to be happy.' I guess I havent thought about that statement in a while because I feel bad being happy. I feel bad that I can be happy and he cant here, because he's gone.

I know that you all may see a change in me in the next week or two, because I can feel myself slipping back into the feelings that I had right after Scott's death. But I want you to know that I'll be okay. I know I will. Right now I just need to be able to deal with this stuff and know that my friends (no matter what I do to push you away) will be there.

I guess thats all I have for tonight.
Shelly


Ok I guess not (20 minutes later)
I was listening to the radio today, and I heard this song. And it's amazing. You should listen to it.

Cry Out To Jesus
Words by Mac Powell/Music by Third Day

To everyone who's lost someone they love
Long before it was their time
You feel like the days you had were not enough
when you said goodbye

And to all of the people with burdens and pains
Keeping you back from your life
You believe that there's nothing and there is no one
Who can make it right

There is hope for the helpless
Rest for the weary
Love for the broken heart
There is grace and forgiveness
Mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are
Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus

For the marriage that's struggling just to hang on
They lost all of their faith in love
They've done all they can to make it right again
Still it's not enough

For the ones who can't break the addictions and chains
You try to give up but you come back again
Just remember that you're not alone in your shame
And your suffering

When your lonely
And it feels like the whole world is falling on you
You just reach out, you just cry out to Jesus
Cry to Jesus

To the widow who struggles with being alone
Wiping the tears from her eyes
For the children around the world without a home
Say a prayer tonight

I know its hard to read lyrics, but maybe buy the CD, or buy the song, listen to it. Reading the lyrics while you're listening to it helps you understand better.